Today is the 1st of July which marks the official 1st day of the 2nd half of the year. It’s halftime, and yet unlike the beginning of the first half, there’s a deafening silence. It’s almost like it’s the birthday of the ugly second cousin, all the excitement, all the hype, all the motivation, gone.
Maybe it’s better this way, maybe hype makes you stupid,
maybe at this time of year when things are a lot calmer and quieter we take
longer to think before we speak. Maybe there’s just less pressure to say dumb
shit.
If you don’t agree and you think we spew the same timeless
gems now that we do at the beginning of the year. Take a look at these genius
quotables you might be responsible for and put your money where your mouth is, use them today
1. " No traffic, being on
the roads is amazing "
Joburgers love this one. A reference to how easy it is for them to get from Pimville to Fourways because all the 'migrant labourers' are out of town on a pilgrimage to
their rural birthplaces (yes...because every place outside of Joburg is rural). The
fact is, if you are a migrant labourer or a refugee from 1 of the other 8
provinces, traffic on this particular day is insane. Being on the roads is a
nightmare. Purely because all the migrant labourers are well… migrating.
And
besides, for coastal cities like Durban & Cape Town who have an influx of
holiday goers the exact opposite is true.
But, I digress … try repeat this statement
today and see how relevant your timeous ass is.
2. " Happy New Year "
This one needs an expiry date that reads "Good for
just 24 hours". Anything from drunken screams just after the countdown to raspy
hangover greeting when the sun is up are permissible, but only until 00:00 on
the 2nd of January. Anything else is humping a dead horse.
Have you ever not seen someone for a couple
of days, only those days were split between the previous year and the current
one so, one day it’s the 3rd of fucken March and you run into this
muthafucka at the mall and they see you, you see them , you greet and as they leave they say “ Happy New Year “ and you say thanks, because everybody at your neighbourhood shopping centre now knows that you have stupid friends.
Don’t think this is that bad? Ok, then let
it run a bit longer. If you’re reading this and I haven’t seen you since last
year, I’m gonna run up to you give you the
tightest squeeze, plant 2 of those cheek kisses on you that I give when I run
into my white girl buddies and scream “Happy New Year” … in the middle of October ... yeah… because that’s how you made me feel in
April.
Moral of the story: If it’s not January 1st Stop it.
3. " Ke Dezember bowss "
Really family? You made “Turn Up” you
spirit chant the whole year and now because it’s a different month you switched
up what you say when you're doing the same damn thing you do all year? You are
seasonal fam! Fuck out of my face, before I run up to you tonight while you’re
macking that gorgeous dimepiece, accidentally knock all your shooter glasses all
over you and scream “ ke Dezember bowss “!
And that's without me even considering the fact that it was fucken Jan 1st
when you said that shit. Honestly, you need to do better homie. Learn some new phrases.
4. " Eish …
Janu Worry "
Ok, so you Dezember bowssed your whole pay check in 5 days now
you have to live ass to mouth for the rest of the month cause you spent your
grocery cash on a round of drinks at Hush for a gang of people that didn’t even
put out? OR, you got paid 5 days ago and now you’re broke on July 1st. Nah fam... you got paid 5 days ago, it’s not the month… It’s you! Change your
habits, infact don’t. Change your job. Otherwise you gonna be out here on New
Year’s day next year talking about stupid things people say point number 5…
Stupid things people say point number 5: " I wrote down my new year's resolutions "
Tell you what. Maybe it’s not too bad to
stratergise for the year ahead. But, like any sport coach would tell you, if
it’s half time and you’re trailing by 5 goals to nil, you need a new game plan.
So how about you asses what went wrong in the 1st half and come with
a better plan for the 2nd half. Something more realistic because if
you stick to your guns and do the same thing you tried to do when and you came in,
it’s gonna be 10 goals down at full time.
Ok, so go out there and talk relevant shit? And not relevant shit like rapping 2 bar verses about grey goose, airmax sneakers and what you and your buddies smoke when you're committing statutory rape over a Kwai-Hop beat... No...not that. Never that please!
I mean ... all the
coolest shit on and off the planet is timeless right? Give or take so, if we’re rambling about shit in Jan
that has no place in July then what the fuck are we even talking about?
